Homey the Slave's Wonderful Adventures Through the South

Main Cast of Characters:
Narrator
Homey the Slave
Rassas, his friend
Master Lee
Jim, the overseer
Muhammad, the field hand
Lucy, Master Lee's wife
Lt. Ricky Lee Jim Bob (from the South)
Duck , the bounty hunter
Col. Chicken (from the North)
Krap, a member of the Underground Bus station
Turd, Krap's Brother
Police Officer Jones
Runaway slave

Scene 1
Setting: Master Lee's Cotton Field
Date: 1862, July 1
Time: 3:23

Scene 1
Narrator: Its around three and the slaves are hard at work getting ready for the big cotton harvest, the biggest since Homey's been on the plantation

Homey (to Rassas): Man Rassas, This shor is the biggen harvest of them all, least since I been around these parts
Rassas: Yes, The narrator already gone on past that, Besides the bigger the harvest the more money the massa makes then he goes and gets more slave women.
Homey: That all yo think about? Besides Massa Gets Cheap slave women! They ugly!
Rassas: So. A slave can' be choosy. We don get paid enough!
Homey: Rassas, you an idiot! We don't paid at all! We slaves, fool.
Narrator: Then, Muhammad, Homey's friend, walks up to them with a banana in his mouth.
Homey: Why do ya all got a banana in yo mouth? You get caught runnin' again?
Muhammad: Mummmmummnn
Homey: Take that banana out of your mouth, fool.

(Rassas yanks Banana out of Muhammad's mouth)
Muhammad: Massa Lee caught me runnin' again and since he done cut off all my toes, he just stuck this here banana in my mouth.
Rassas: You fool. He already caught ya ten times.
Muhammad: I know. I just got to be free! (Singing)
Homey: Where'd you hide this time?
Muhammad: In his out house. You should have seen the look on his ugly face when he seen me sittin' there. He was as naked as a jay!
Homey: You a fool Muhammad. We betta be gettin' Back to work or Overseer will bring the whip to our backs.
( Homey and Rassas Begin Walking Down the lanes looking for bugs while Muhammad ambles Toward the Massa carriage with probably another attempt to run, or hop, or whatever he does)

Scene 2
Setting: Late at night in the slave cabins
Date: July1, 1862
Time: 9:45 PM

Scene 2

(Suddenly a slight whisper breaks the silence of the night, followed by the opening of the slave cabin.)
Runaway slave: Quick! We best be runnin' or Master Lee be cuttin' our toes off!
Muhammad: Ha! I don't have to worry about that!

(Then, in the distance, a pack of hounds is heard howling)
Muhammad: Somebody ratted on us! Quick! To the outhouse!
Narrator: Unfortunately for our dumb runaways, Master Lee's fortune cookie told him the slaves were going to run, so they were quickly captured and sent to his mansion for a whipping.

Scene 3
Setting: Master Lee's mansion
Date: July 2, 1862
Time: 10:28 AM

Scene 3

Narrator: After being caught and spending the night being forced to rub Master Lee's wife's feet, 10 of the 11 slaves that had tried to run were waiting for their whipping. Only Muhammad had finally managed to escape when the outhouse he was hiding in was moved to a new place.
Master Lee: Okay. It's time for your whipping. Before you are whipped, does anyone have any questions?
Runaway slave: I do. What is the square root of 2,134,234?
Master: What's a square root?
Runaway slave: I don't know. I saw it on Oprah.
Master: That's it. Extra whips for you!
Narrator: The brutal whipping reopens scars from previous whippings and leaves him a bloody mess. Fortunately, he has life insurance. After the first slave is whipped, the other slaves are whipped and the forced to rub Master Lee's feet with their noses.
Homey: That Massa makes me madder than a cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond. I'm gonna get him.

Scene 4
Setting: the cotton fields
Time: 10:59 and 30 seconds
Date: July 4, 1862

Scene 4

Rassas: Homey, I'm sorer than a black man in the middle of a squad of police officers.
Homey: Me too.
Narrator: Suddenly, Muhammad runs up to our heroes!
Homey: Muhammad! I thought you done run away!
Muhammad: I come to get you and Rassas out of this dung heap!
Homey: Muhammad you crazy, the Massa sees us and we'll get whipped
Rassas: Come on Homey! This our chance to get out of here. Come on Homey!
Homey: Why you really want to go Rassas?
Rassas: (singing) I want to be able to look myself in the eye and say, I'm a free man. I want to be able to read, write, do math and drink beer. I want all of these things very badly, but most of all, I want to meet new women. Massa only get cheap slave women. They ugly.
Homey: Then it be settled. We're headed north.
Muhammad: I'm warning you. The trip will be harder than trying to crap after eatin' three pounds of cheese! And the North is no Ritz either. It's hard bein' a black man these days. We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us! I have a dream....
Homey: Shut up! We don't need your type of radical runnin' loose all the time. Anyway, when we be leavin'?
Muhammad: Saturday night. Meet me at the outhouse at 9:00 PM and we'll leave. Rassas: When's 9:00 PM ?
Muhammad: Okay. Forget nine o' clock. Just listen for an owl. That'll be me. Narrator: Muhammad hobbles off into the woods and our soon - be- runaways get back to work.

Scene 5
Setting: Slave cabins
Time: 7:30 PM
Date: July 7, 1862

SCENE 5

Homey: Rassas, I'm more nervous than a black man at the scene of a crime.
Rassas: Me too. Runnin' is gonna be hard. I'm gonna miss all of the great things about this place, like gettin' whipped and havin' our toes cut off.
Homey: Those aren't good things. They hurt.
Rassas: I'm a glutton for punishment.
Homey: (whispering urgently to Rassas) Look out here come ol' Jim! Get back to work! (Jim walks by and frowns that he doesn't get to whip the slaves)
Rassas: The shor was a close one if Jim would've caught us talking bout runnin' he woulda had all our toes. (the slaves get back to work thinking about gettin away.

Scene 6
setting: out house
time: the owl hooted
date: July 8, 1862

Scene 6

Narrator: In Scene 6, a wonderful, exciting, and lovely scene that has great acting and a wonderful plot, we find our heroes in the outhouse, waiting for the owl hoot that will signify the start of a long, perilous journey full of danger, romance, and an act of human love at it's fullest.
Homey: Thank God. I thought that narrator would never shut up.
Rassas: Me too. He should be fired.
Homey: Something stinks.
Rassas: I didn't do it.
Homey: Not that kind of stink, you fool.
Rassas: Maybe it's this play.
Homey: No, it don't stink that bad. (a very bad owl hoot is heard just then)
Homey: Did you hear an owl?
Rassas: No. But I did hear an swallow. (then another hoot is heard)
Homey: you sure that wasn't an owl?
Rassas: YES! I've never been so sure in my life!
Muhammad: Come on guys. Didn't you hear me hooting?
Rassas: That wasn't an owl. It sounded more like constipated dog.
Muhammad: Fools! Lets get goin' before the massa finds out where we is.
Homey: O.K. Where we headin'?
Rassas: We headed North, a land where a black man can be free, a land where a black man can use the same bathroom as a white man, and can hold his head high knowing he is free from the evil grasp of bondage. A land where...
Homey: Shut up!
Muhammad: We got to be leavin' now. I got a couple o' friends that 'll help us.
Narrator: And so our heroes start off on their journey to the North searching for freedom and women.

Scene 7
setting: the Countryside, deep into South Carolina
time: 4:00 am
Date: July 10, 1862

Narrator: After many days of hard traveling, our heroes are only in South Carolina, and still many weeks travel from the North and freedom.
Homey: Muhammad, I thought ya'll said you had you'self some friends we was goin' to meet.
Muhammad: We'll meet em' in good time. Just ya'll wait.
Narrator: Suddenly, a friend named Ned runs by and shoots two banshees that were going to eat our heroes.
Homey: Wow! Who was that!
Muhammad: That was just Ned. He's a member of the under ground bus station. He just kinda wanders around and kills Banshees.
Rassas: Wow! Whats a Banshee!
Muhammad:Don't worry about it here comes Turd now. He's the one who is gonna get us North.
Turd: Hey Muhammad what you got for me today.
Muhammad: These guys gotta get north. They already got posters out on them, so we need speed.

Scene 8
Setting: the plantation
time: 8:00 pm
date: July 12, 1862

Narrator: This scene begins with Duck Sitting in the waiting room having a wonderful conversation with the wall. A servant enters the room and watches Duck talk to the wall before giving his message.

Duck: ....and then I said to the sheriff " "Well just what ya'all consider robbery." and you know what he said, He said if you'n all take some in that ain't yours that stealing. "so I told him he can take his laws and shove them up his OHH hello is he ready to see me now? I be right in.
Narrator: Duck finishes his conversation with the wall then walks into master Lee's study.
Master Lee: So your the best?
Duck: That's what me wife says. but if your referring to bounty hunting I'm still the best except for this guy who was my friend till he dun walked of from the bounty humans and started hunting Banshee's.
Master lee: So can you find them?

(just hen mater Lee wife comes in with drinks)

Lucy: Her you boys go enjoy
(ducks eyes pop out as he see Lucy and drool forms on his chin)

Duck:WOW! Oh hello mam. Uhh my what nice uhh teeth you have
Lucy: Uh... thank you
Lee: are you hitting on my wife?
Duck: hitting her?Are you blind I'm just talking to her. Stupid
Lee: Fine Down to business do you know where they are?
Duck: oh I know where they went.
(Lee leans forward in his chair)
Lee: Where? You must tell me.
Duck: I bet they went to La-La land. Oh it's a wonderful place filled with roads of gold and dancing Leprechauns that jump around being merry. Oh it's a wonderful place. ( Ducks Eyes get glossy and he stares away into a faraway place)
Lee: Are you looney?
Duck: Looney tunes? Oh, I love looney tunes. Daffy's me favorite.
Lee: (muttering) You're dafffy.
Duck: What?
Lee: Nevermind. Will you track them for me?
Duck: For $200.
Lee: Two- hundred dollars?
Duck: Yeah. Was I speaking French? If so, that's from my mothers side. Ate too much french toast, she did.
Lee: I will give you $10 for every body part you bring back.
Duck: Does that include the uh...
Lee: No!
Duck: Okay.
(they shake, and Duck leaves after finishing his discussion with the wall)

Scene 9
Setting: Near the North Carolina Border
Time: 12:00 pm
Date: July 15,1862

Narrator: Our heroes have now been on the run for ten days, and exhaustion is setting in.
Rassas: I'm exhausted.
Homey: Fool, quit copying the narrator like that.
Rassas: Sorry.
Krap: Soon we will be in North Carolina. We best be careful.
Turd: Yes! Only two states away from freedom, from liberty! Soon we will escape the oppressers that try to rule over us! We will be truly free---
Krap: For the last time, SHUT UP!
Turd: Sorry.
Narrator: Suddenly, a siren wails and a police car pulls up! Our heroes are surrounded!
Rassas: We're surrounded.
Homey: Copier!
(the car stops, and a mean looking police officer gets out)
Police officer Jones: Well well, what have we got here? Runaway slaves, it looks like.I'm gonna have to take you down town. Let's go.
Turd: Oh no! an oppressor, a tyrant, a---
( a gun goes off, and Turd falls to the ground, cluthing his chest)
Krap: Oh no! (he runs to Turd) No! You can't die! I haven't paid your life insurance!
Turd: Well it looks like I'm dead. Kicked the bucket. Bought the farm. Go'in toward----
Homey: Shut up!
Turd: Actually, I think I might survive....
Krap: Well... I guess I want you to live. I've got to pay your insurance though.
Officer Jones: All right. Enough of this. You boys are goin' back to the South.
Turd: No! We must be free! We must fight the oppression! Fight the tyrants! Escape to the North! Become free! Live rich lives!
Homey: Are you sure yo want to save him?
Krap: I'm not so sure....
Officer Jim: All right. Ya'll is gettin' in that car right now. ( Starts to put them in)
Narrator: Just then, Ned jumps out and mistakes Officer Jones for a banshee! After shooting him 2,500 times, he realizes his mistake and runs away, embarassed.
Homey: He sure is bein' usefull on this trip.
Krap: Anyway, we best be find'in shelter for the night.

Scene 13
Setting: Where Officer Jones was shot
Time: Tea Time
Date: July 17, 1862

Duck: ... and then I said to the sheriff "Well, I don't know how That horse got in my house. You should watch your horses better around these parts. (looks at a wall)
Oh. Not much of a talker, eh? ( a police Officer walks in)
Officer: Sir, one of my officers was shot late yesterday by an invisible man. We believe runaway slaves may have been involved.
Duck: Involved? No, not since my wife died, God bless her soul.
Officer: No, we think your slaves killed my officer.
Duck: Killed? Yes. Ran over by a thresher she was.
Officer: No...
Duck: How would you know? Were you watching my wife? Are you a peeping Tom? If so... ( he draws a gun)
Officer: N--No s--sir! I'm just trying t--to help you catch your slaves!
Duck: Hmmmm. Well, then where was this sorry excuse for an officer shot at? Well? Speak up boy. Don't just stand there and mumble to the wall. He's not much of a talker.
Officer: Well lets see it was around evennin yesterday sir
Duck: You sure boy I don't like going on wild slave hunts
Officer: yes sir. I'm positive I heard it from the friend of a brother of a friend of the friend that was peein in the bushes while the whole thing happened
Duck: Ah good.reliable information is what that is. Now be off with you.I have important work to do. ( Duck turns his back on the officer and lights up a big cigar and continues talking with the wall. ) Yeah, then that dumb sheriff actualllly had the nerve to leave the mess his horse made....

Scene 14
Setting: On the road with Homey
Time: 7:00 pm
Date: July 20, 1862

Narrator: After the near escape from the police, our heroes are paranoid. They have recieved a gun from a sympather, and are ready to use it.
Rassas: Boy, I sure am ready to use this gun we got.
Homey: Quit it! ( slaps him)
Rassas: What?
Krap: We must use this weapon to protect our passage to the North.....and to freedom!
Turd: Yes so we can end tyranny forever and fight the injustice that is inherite in the system we most..
Krap: Boy,im gettin tired of your rambling you best shut up or i'll cut your tongue out.
Narrator: Our heroes hear a rustlling in the bushes.......

BANG!


Narrator: Rassas fires the gun and leaves fly everywhere.
Homey: Watch that! What'd you shoot?
Narrator: After searching the bushes, Homey comes across a dead deer.
Homey: Food! We been starvin' for days now!
Rassas: Yup. A dead deer.
(Homey glares at Rassas)
Narrator: As Homey begins to drag away the deer, It begins to move!
Homey: AHHHH!! It's come back!! Run away!
Narrator: The deer gets up nursing it's leg. The wound appears to be superficial.
Rasass: AWWWWWW. It's so cute. Can we keep it?
Krap: It's a good thing we didn't kill it. Deer are out of season.
Turd: Yes! It will be a simple of our revolt against the oppression in the South! We must free every sentient being on our way to the North!
Narrator: Turd begins running through the woods grabbing animals to take with them.
Homey: oh no.
Narrator: Turd returns many hours later, scratched and exhausted.
Rassas:Boy. You look tired and exhausted.
Narrator: Homey smacks Rassas.
Krap: Boy, it sure be getting' late. We best be findin' some shelter 'fore the evening.
This here weather be getting' cold.

Scene 15
Setting: Late night in the South
Time: 12:00 am
Date: july 21, 1862

Narrator: Late at night, our heroes are camped out near the Kentucky border. The wind is howling, and the weather is unseasonably cold.
Rassas: Boy, this weather sure is-
Homey: (glaring at Rassas) Sure is what?
Rassas: Nothin'.

end for now...